Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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