I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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