Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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