The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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