I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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