Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
