I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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