He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
