Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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