Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
