He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
