Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
