Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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