dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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