I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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