Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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