Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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