Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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