My friends, they love my intelligence
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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