I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
