my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
