the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
