I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
