i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
