Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
