I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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