Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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