The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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