I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
