he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just pee around me
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
