I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
