I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
there is puke in my bra ... again
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
