I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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