there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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