The best revenge is premature balding
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
