you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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