If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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