Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize