She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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