Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
