Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Randomize
