you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
