Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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