Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
