does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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