I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
