The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
