I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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