Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
In other news, I just burned my penis
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize