Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
My feet surprised me
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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