I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
