New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
