the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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