Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
