My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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