So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
