Soap is not a condiment
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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