I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
